*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
when mom throws a party…
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]