A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised