A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
You Might Also Like
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Am I having a stroke?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.