Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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The Onion called it…again.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Blew out my flip flop…
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.