i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Pringles
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.