[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
He-man has a Masters degree
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.