Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I think about this a lot
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party