They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Morning.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Pikachu found the lost joint
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.