[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I need a headline like this
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭