Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Jesus Christ lmao
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
me 2 months after i graduated