My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Haha good job!!
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping