Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that