The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car