crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.