I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.