Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My therapist after every session
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.