me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong