By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Me irl
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?