Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl