This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Cake safety first. Always.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.