I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo