Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse