ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
is nasa ok
welp
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.