Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
choose your fighter
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.