My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”