Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.