Fights fire with marshmallows
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.