Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
People buying plungers never look happy.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door