Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
what day is it?