Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
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greetings!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.