Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
A little too much information.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.