chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
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I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…