Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works