Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying