Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I can’t stop watching this.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
2022 will be better than 2021
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*