accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm