Oh, I bet you would be
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.