My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
nyc:
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I cannot stop laughing at this
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.