Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?