Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.