Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
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My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.