A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
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that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.