My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.