My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Every. Damn. Time.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.