My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Just say no
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.