People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Have kids, they said
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
is it earth
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Why soy sad?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”