ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.