Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
You Might Also Like
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.