me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
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I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.