PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.